The Mayo Clinic Guide to Stress-Free Living by Amit Sood

Author:Amit Sood [M.Sc., Amit Sood M.D.]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Health
Publisher: Da Capo Press
Published: 2013-12-10T16:00:00+00:00

BE COMPASSIONATE TO YOURSELF

Psychologist Kristin Neff defines self-compassion as having three components:

1. Kindness — Being kind, soothing and comforting to yourself

2. A sense of common humanity — Recognizing that we are all imperfect in our own unique ways

3. Mindfulness — Viewing yourself appropriately, without either ruminating on or denying the imperfections

In research studies, self-compassion is associated with reduced depression, anxiety and fear of failure and with greater happiness, optimism and connectedness. Self-compassion doesn’t decrease your motivation or make you self-indulgent. It increases self-esteem without increasing narcissism or the need to feel superior.

Self-compassion motivates compassion for others. Self-compassion depends on self-acceptance. Most people peg self-acceptance on acceptance by others. But if you are like me, you put more weight into negative words than positive. You may have heard “I love you” a thousand times and “I hate you” only a few. But how many “I love you’s” do you remember for each “I hate you”? Most of my patients scarcely remember the former and buy into the latter. Memories of rejection find a permanent home in our brains and sting us for a lifetime.

Think of the one person in the world who loves you the most. It could be your mother, grandmother, spouse, friend, child, sibling or even your pet. Look at yourself with this person’s eyes. They tell you the truth.

You are answerable to yourself. In your inner court, you’re the plaintiff, defendant, prosecutor, witness and jury as well as the judge. Judge yourself by your intentions, not the outcome of your actions. Ask yourself, have your expressions other than love been a call for help? When you were aggressive, was it in self-defense? Did your anger originate in expectations that were undermined?

The purpose of these thoughts isn’t to remain angry, but to look at your essential humanness and find the tributaries that merge into the river of negative emotions. You have the choice to keep hurtful emotions from lingering. Being compassionate with yourself inspires. If you don’t beat up on yourself, the assault of a negative emotion lasts only a few minutes.

Delay self-judgment; recognize that the egocentric part of your brain can’t help but experience fear. Embrace your vulnerability, and accept your imperfections, knowing they represent a small part of your past, but not who you are in the present or can be in the future. Don’t judge your younger self from the perspective of today’s wisdom. You know much more today than you knew then. The past will always look imperfect.

An expert is someone who has made all the mistakes, and if you haven’t, then you’re a work in progress, like most people. Accept the child within you who is innocent and sometimes also ignorant. Be kind to yourself; that’s where compassion starts.

In conclusion, meditate on the Dalai Lama’s words: “If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.”

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